The Best of Christmas v.I:II

 Kurt Vonnegut once said, “You can use science to invalidate the story of Adam and Eve and Jonah and the Whale;  but everything else in the Bible is a pretty good guideline on how to get along with people. That too many people use science as an excuse to behave like jerks goes beyond religion and into humanity.”

 Dick Gregory told a wonderful story about growing up in Philadelphia. He told how is a child he and his brother could spot a prostitute two blocks away. There was a way they moved, talked and acted. At no time did these women ever have to tell you what they did. It was obvious by the way they behaved. He said that the sad thing was hookers were easy to spot and  obvious in their behavior, and Christians weren't.

Chico Villanova said "No one is offended by St. Patrick's Day. People drink like a fish, and Irish fish and at no time does the Saint in St. Patrick's Day get in the way of a great time. The problem is the same faux Irish, who crash their cars when they are drunk or tell people their name is  O'Horny  to get laid on the17 March are the same hard-boiled atheists who complain about Christmas.”

Whether you celebrate the birth of Jesus, the chance to participate in midnight madness sales on Thanksgiving night or the TBS marathon of It's A Wonderful Life/A Christmas Story try to lose the attitude and enjoy life.

Angry mobs of Christians rarely go door-to-door and torture people who can't recite the 10 Commandments by heart. If you don't want the spirituality of the holiday season, treat it like parsley,  leave it on the plate and somebody else will take care of it.

If you like the spirituality and want more, go to mass every day.

Sean MacHine explains, “On Cinco de Mayo, everyone is Mexican whether they pronounce tortilla correctly or not. There are thousands of people every year that figure out Dos Equis,  is Spanish for two X's. God love them, they learn a little bit about Mexican culture, puke guacamole and swear to God they will never consume that much tequila again.”

Christmas without Christmas is a chance for grandparents to spoil a generation removed, for people to express their drunken feelings for one another, to practice acts of kindness to total strangers and to smile when they greet one another.

The songs are old, the traditions are older. If you don't want to be around it, go to Antarctica and feed penguins. The last time I checked, there is no pious award for suffering agnostics who have to endure hearing “Merry Christmas”.

 In the spirit of the season, I must confess… I  made Sean Machine  up, there is no such person.  MacHine is  just machine with a capital H stuck in the middle. Chico Villanova is equally inventive. I bought this book on how to write really cool new stories. It said to find experts and quote them. Since I didn't have time, nor the energy to find people to express my opinions, I just invented experts.

In a way being an atheist or a long-suffering agnostic, is inventing an anti-belief system to ensure your miserable when everybody else is gargling with eggnog.

Or Course, The Other Answer Is "Go Ask Your Mother"

Christmas and the passage of time always results in addressing “The Santa Claus Question”. In the best traditions of the internet I must now warn people CAUTION SPOILER ALERT!!!!! The following post contains essential elements that will unravel or expose crucial plot elements.

When presented with a question, you can answer it flippantly, sincerely, with a British accent or any combination thereof. When a child asks you something, there is always the temptation to tell them not to bother you when you're drinking. But say you don't drink, then you're forced to address life in its sober reality.

So out of the chilly pre-winter air comes the "is Santa Claus real?" conversation. Keep in mind this comes on the heels of the “nine-year-olds don't need a cell phone” discussion... So at least I was ready dealing with high-level conspiracies. (High-level conspiracies are what keeps technology out of the hands of pre-teenagers)

Mercifully the question was presented using the Jeopardy standard versus Family Feud form. So here's the answer, file it away and feel free to invoke or edit as needed.

Santa Claus is real, the idea is in our hearts and our minds. Santa Claus is something more felt than known. The original Santa Claus was from Europe. It was a guy named Chris Kringle who put treats and toys in poor children's stockings; so they would have something on Christmas. His good work was so admired, and so well respected that the tradition is carried on to this very day.

When you reach the age that you question if Santa Claus is a real person, it means you are ready to stop believing in him and start being him. It is one of the great joys of the holiday season to recognize that you have the power to bring Christmas miracles to the people in your life and total strangers. When you become Santa Claus you carry the spirit of giving and the promise of miracles in your smile, good cheer and spirit.

The special obligation that you have when you become one of the millions of Santa Clauses on our planet, is to make sure that you give to the people that believe and allow them to to feel the magic of the season. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. God came onto the earth in human form as a poor man. Showing that there is no shame in having nothing. God proved that the nature of humanity is to give. The star of Bethlehem brought the three wise men and their posse to the manger. There was no formal tradition of giving, only the expression of God's love. This time of year, each of us should focus on reflecting that special love to the people that need it most.

So let me ask you, is it better to wait for Santa Claus or to believe in the idea of Santa Claus so much that you can be him?

The good news is the message was well-received. There is no wailing, moaning, or mashing of teeth. Only time will tell if inordinate psychological damage was inflicted on the poor kid. Taking on the responsibility for bringing peace on earth and good will towards man is not easy, and maybe she'll only be able to bring joy to one or two people… Could there be any better way to celebrate?