Rainy Days and Tuesdays.... We have good news, we have bad news.

At first thought this looked like one of the days that was going to lead to uninspired drudgery. The middle of February, in the Pacific Northwest... dawn looks like 5:15 PM. You live inside of the can of battleship grey paint, waiting for the brush of life to apply you to a smooth and treated surface, lovingly.

In Anchorage Alaska, at Nordstrom's,  is a steel belted radial tire that somebody returned. Nordstrom's, famous for their return policy accepted the tire and issued the person credit. Nordstrom's does not sell tires. The guy that took the exchange was promoted to store manager.

In his honor here's a quick look at the news you can use…

The City of Portland, in an attempt to control the "sinister forces" that manipulate hygiene products… Is going to outlaw colognes, perfumes and anti-perspirants on city workers, while they work in city offices.

Best case scenario: The City of Port and workers subscribe to Guns and Ammo, while waiting for a chance to go postal on the first  August day the air conditioner craps out.

Worst-case scenario: The On the Verge of Stink  campaign is expanded to public transportation.

First Nutritionist and wife of the greatest spender in the history of the world, is out promoting breast-feeding. The administration wants the IRS to provide tax credits and/or deductions for mothers that nurse. It is hard to express the gratitude that we all feel knowing that the "sinister forces" controlling big formula, like Similac are finally going to be brought to their knees. How could billionaires want tax breaks when they should go to the flower of humanity, mother and child?

Best case scenario: The tax credit is expanded to the husbands  of nursing moms.

Worst-case scenario:  Deduction will be proven to be discriminatory. Gay couples that adopt children, would not be able to provide lactating mammary glands.

Pres. Clinton is working as a casting consultant for a new opera based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. The London-based production company felt the former president would provide a unique perspective on the necessary sensual, innocence and naïveté needed to bring Anna Nicole's part to life. The 42nd President has said he plans to use "sinister forces" to bring each of the actresses to their knees throughout the working auditions.

Best case scenario: None of it is true

Worst-case scenario: Part of it is true

Can a football game replace the State of the Union speech?

The lessons we can learn from the Super Bowl.

Roman Numerals, have been sacrificed in the educational curriculum for self-esteem. Now people can feel good about themselves as they look at a series of symbols that have absolutely no meaning. In short; Roman Numerals have joined manners, algebra, similes and metaphors on the ash heap of cultural roadkill.

Performing at halftime is a kiss of death, both professionally and literally. Carol Channing, Michael Jackson, The Indiana Jones Franchise and George Burns are examples of the Grim Reaper Dance Team.  While Up with People, Mickey Rooney, New Kids on the Block, Diana Ross, The Blues Brothers, Boyz II Men, Chaka Khan, 'N Sync, Aerosmith, Britney Spears, Nelly, U2, Shania Twain, Kid Rock, Janet Jackson's breast, Prince, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, The Who, Paul McCartney and The Rolling Stones have exhausted their creativity, become political shills  or married and then divorced one legged advocates for removing land-mines from military arsenals.

The obvious solution is to get rid of “pop-culture icons” and replace the halftime entertainment with the traditional marching bands. Allow people to go to the bathroom, refresh the Doritos bowl and introduce the second half hors d'oeuvres.

Somehow Eminem avoided performing at a halftime. Instead he was able to use his credibility, as a rapper, to explain Detroit is back in the game.  Rappers ooze self-esteem,  at the same time they can't read Roman Numerals… This allows them to offer salient social commentary. A better spokesman would be one of Bob Denver's kids. They can explain, how their father was on Gilligan's Island and the city of Detroit is a simile for the castaway's fate... to quit looking at their plight as a tragedy, and see the funny side.

The Motor City, for one long and glorious stretch of history, was the most powerful municipality in the world. From 1943 to the early 60s GM, Ford and Chrysler exemplified all that was right about  our country. Today the municipality continues to enjoy unmitigated spending, despite the fact they have no tax base and the jobs have gone away of the Brontosaurus. Yet any number of Gilligans,  continue to flummox about looking for solutions that involve stimulus money, government assistance and a powder made from unicorn dandruff and nacho cheese.

When there is a reason to live and work in Detroit, the people will return.