Rainy Days and Tuesdays.... We have good news, we have bad news.

At first thought this looked like one of the days that was going to lead to uninspired drudgery. The middle of February, in the Pacific Northwest... dawn looks like 5:15 PM. You live inside of the can of battleship grey paint, waiting for the brush of life to apply you to a smooth and treated surface, lovingly.

In Anchorage Alaska, at Nordstrom's,  is a steel belted radial tire that somebody returned. Nordstrom's, famous for their return policy accepted the tire and issued the person credit. Nordstrom's does not sell tires. The guy that took the exchange was promoted to store manager.

In his honor here's a quick look at the news you can use…

The City of Portland, in an attempt to control the "sinister forces" that manipulate hygiene products… Is going to outlaw colognes, perfumes and anti-perspirants on city workers, while they work in city offices.

Best case scenario: The City of Port and workers subscribe to Guns and Ammo, while waiting for a chance to go postal on the first  August day the air conditioner craps out.

Worst-case scenario: The On the Verge of Stink  campaign is expanded to public transportation.

First Nutritionist and wife of the greatest spender in the history of the world, is out promoting breast-feeding. The administration wants the IRS to provide tax credits and/or deductions for mothers that nurse. It is hard to express the gratitude that we all feel knowing that the "sinister forces" controlling big formula, like Similac are finally going to be brought to their knees. How could billionaires want tax breaks when they should go to the flower of humanity, mother and child?

Best case scenario: The tax credit is expanded to the husbands  of nursing moms.

Worst-case scenario:  Deduction will be proven to be discriminatory. Gay couples that adopt children, would not be able to provide lactating mammary glands.

Pres. Clinton is working as a casting consultant for a new opera based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. The London-based production company felt the former president would provide a unique perspective on the necessary sensual, innocence and naïveté needed to bring Anna Nicole's part to life. The 42nd President has said he plans to use "sinister forces" to bring each of the actresses to their knees throughout the working auditions.

Best case scenario: None of it is true

Worst-case scenario: Part of it is true