It's like a giant flea market, only better… Cash buyers welcome!

How do you solve a problem like Mubarak?
What do you do if Egypt lets him go?
There's got to be away, that he can save the day,
 we can't let over $45 billion getaway.
- extracted from “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria”

 If they give you lemons, make lemonade.

If for some reason a neo-socialistic dictator needs a new home, there's always South America or Africa… But these days, why not think about the United States of America.

Mubarak has an estimated net worth of over $45 billion. He has executive experience, can run the government on less money than he receives and a dynamic speaking voice. In short he's exactly what we need to help several of the States regain fiscal integrity.

He believes in nepotism, so California would accept him. He isn't scared to rig elections, so he'd fit right in with Washingtonians. He refuses to answer questions about his girlfriends, so it's a natural in Oregon. Idaho is, more or less, shaped like pyramid. Utah would love to get back to their roots of polygamy. Arizona is a desert.

With his personal fortune he could take over all of the states west of Nebraska.  The border problem, no problem for Mubarak! He was able to keep the people from Gaza, in Gaza.

By introducing his own brand of multiculturalism, there could be a series of exciting new Sphinx like exhibits all across the western states. If we limited construction techniques to Moses era implements, jobs aplenty.

Coming from the Middle East, M (the friendly way to say Mubarak) likely is very jealous of the countries that have oil. Within three months, Mubarakstan could join OPEC. To make sure Kansas and Iowa were cowed, he couild also develop peaceful nuclear reactors like North Korea and Iran.

Plus being a socialist, no one would ever criticize him. Those that did, would be offered a chance to apologize… In order to keep their families from being tortured before they were killed.

You got to break some eggs, if you want to make an omelette.

Bottom line, we have a once-in-a-lifetime, multicultural dictator, looking for a job. We have an entire region of our country looking for cash. Obviously, Austrians can't do it. Maybe it's time we tried to Walk Like an Egyptian.

If you were Mubarak, which states would you buy first?

FY12 Projected Shortfall	Shortfall as Percent of FY11 Budget
Arizona	$974 million	11.5%
California*	$25.4 billion	29.3%
Colorado	$988 million	13.8%
Connecticut	$3.7 billion	20.8%
District of Columbia	DK	na
Florida	$3.6 billion	14.9%
Georgia	$1.7 billion	10.3%
Hawaii	$410 million	8.2%
Idaho	$300 million	12.6%
Illinois	$15.0 billion	44.9%
Indiana	$270 million	2.0%
Iowa	$294 million	5.6%
Kansas	$492 million	8.8%
Kentucky*	$780 million	9.1%
Louisiana	$1.7 billion	22.0%
Maine	$436 million	16.1%
Maryland	$1.6 billion	12.2%
Massachusetts	$1.8 billion	5.7%
Michigan	$1.8 billion	8.6%
Minnesota	$3.9 billion	24.5%
Mississippi	$634 million	14.1%
Missouri	$1.1 billion	14.4%
Montana	$80 million	4.3%
Nebraska	$314 million	9.2%
Nevada	$1.5 billion	45.2%
New Hampshire	DK	na
New Jersey	$10.5 billion	37.4%
New Mexico	$410 million	7.6%
New York	$9.0 billion	16.9%
North Carolina	$3.8 billion	20.0%
Ohio	$3.0 billion	11.0%
Oklahoma	$600 million	11.3%
Oregon*	$1.8 billion	25.0%
Pennsylvania	$4.5 billion	17.8%
Rhode Island	$290 million	9.9%
South Carolina	$877 million	17.4%
South Dakota	$127 million	10.9%
Tennessee	DK	Na
Texas	$13.4 billion	31.5%
Utah	$437 million	9.2%
Vermont	$150 million	13.9%
Virginia*	$2.3 billion	14.8%
Washington	$2.9 billion	18.5%
West Virginia	$155 million	4.1%
Wisconsin	$1.8 billion	12.8%
States Total	$124.7 billion	20.0%

It's just so sad… And there's nothing they can do.

This year marks the first time in 10 years there have been no black actor nominees for Academy Awards.  In part, it is because Oscar favors a certain kind of movie, dramas, historical epics, and bio pics.


For some reason, Tyler Perry in drag, for the third time...  is not considered a historical epic. If only transvestitism was more widely accepted.

This Time It Will Be Funnier

Hollywood laments a problem they create, and wring their hands with faux guilt that is just not credible. If the motion picture industry was interested in making black dramas here some ideas.

A black family deals with black on black violence. A crime is committed and none of their neighbors will testify. The family does not go postal, instead they are ground down by a system indifferent to their plight and a community terrorized by a criminal element.

Sounds dramatic to me.

A third-generation family is caught between the example of Booker T. Washington, the rage of Malcolm X and the passion of Dr. Martin Luther King.

This could easily be described as a historic epic.

A middle-aged father tries to explain to his son that family values, middle-class values and religious values are not unique to any particular race.

Sounds like a character study.

Problem Hollywood runs into, is their own racism. There are a limited number of “recognized" roles is for black  actors. Most of them center around victimization and racism; most of them advance a cruel stereotype that doesn't exist today.

Conventional wisdom would suggest the federal program is needed to ensure a higher caliber role be offered to nonwhites.

No doubt next year Clint Eastwood's remake of A Star Is Born will land Beyoncé and Academy award nomination. But is this a solution or the perpetuation of a broken model?

A Fairytale, Just Like Pretty Woman

Once upon a time, in a perfect land, inhabited by perfect people, who really, really, really cared lived a man named Johnny. Johnny worked very, very  hard. He had a nice family, and a wonderful life.

To make Johnny's wonderful life even more wonderful, he decided he was going to take his family to Canada. They wanted to see Loverboy received a lifetime achievement award from the Canadian Music Authority.

In order to afford this wonderful trip, Johnny put in for overtime, and took on a second job so he could take his family across the border to the land of back bacon, maple syrup and people who had a difficult time annunciated the word "about."

Every day Johnny would get up and smile. All he could think about was the unmitigated joy associated with seeing one of the premier MTV created  "Hair Bands" receive a prestigious Canadian award.

Johnny had never been to Canada, nor had Johnny ever received  even  a certificate of appreciation from an important cultural  organization. He couldn't wait to see Mike Reno and Paul Dean strut the red carpet. He wanted to be blinded by flashbulbs and wowed by the fabulousness of the pomp and circumstance.

As Johnny was working a second job, a miracle occurred. A brand-new $100 bill was being minted. The special bill was magical. The bill and its small mind knew they would be used to bring incredible happiness to hard-working Johnny.

Finally the big day came, Johnny was going to get paid and was going to go to Canada, to see the single most important cultural of  all time.

The brand-new $100 bill was getting ready to be handed to its first owner. Everything was working out. Nothing could go wrong.

Suddenly without warning or consideration for everything that Johnny wanted to do, the King decided he needed some of John's money to do the things that the King needed to do. So the King came and decided to take the brand-new $100 bill and give Johnny $75 back.

Johnny was shocked. The $100 bill, felt abused and confused… It knew in its heart it was meant to be spent on a Canadian vacation. Instead one quarter of him was taken away.

Johnny looked at the hundred dollar bill and said, “I know we were meant for each other, I know I worked hard for you… But the King would never take money from hard-working people unless he needed it. It's okay I can still get there with just $75.”

The $100 bill looked up and smiled. It said, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” $100 bills usually quote Ben Franklin whenever they're upset.

As Johnny was putting the $75 in his  billfold, the Duke came up to him and in a strange Austrian accent, said something about California or cauliflower needing money to pay for some very important things that the state just couldn't live without. And just like that the $75 became $65. Before Johnny could put the $65 into his wallet the mayor of Berkeley came running up and said he needed six dollars so that the people who work for him could have sex change operations.

Johnny wondered why the mayor of Berkeley would hire people who had such acute issues with their projected gender identity. He wondered why the city of Berkeley couldn't attract better candidates for the positions they offered.

But Johnny understood that someone as important as the mayor of Berkeley, the strange Austrian sounding Duke and the King of the entire country knew better than he did. These people had studied at universities, or been in action films and their knowledge was much greater than his. If they needed his money, he should give it to them. The people of Berkeley who processed transfer payments and inspected rental property needed to feel good about themselves while wearing a dress. And if that could only happen, if they had the appropriate genitalia for their costuming… Johnny was happy to know he helped bring a new level of joy to the  mayor's workers.

Now having only $59, from the c-note he earned, Johnny could not afford to go to Canada. His family would never see Loverboy rock   the award show.

Johnny went home and told his family they were not going. They cried. Johnny said, "Don't worry,  what we wanted to do was stupid. The King, the Duke and the mayor all know much more than we do. They will use that money for good. Not one dime will ever be wasted.”

Johnny went down to the  thrift store and bought four red head bands. He then went across the street to the  to music co-op and bought three kazoos and a set of bongos. That night his family pretended they were Loverboy and played “Turn Me Loose” and "Working For The Weekend” on their new instruments. They had a wonderful time.

The irony that Johnny's efforts were never Turned Loose was lost on him. Nor did it occur to him that he was not Working For The Weekend, he was working to help others use his money.

The End

The evolution of media and the pressures that shape it.

Television as we know it is all but extinct. When the creative content of shows is surpassed by the creative content in commercials, there's no reason to watch the shows.

Geico, Dos Equis  and Capital One's commercials offer greater entertainment value than 80% of the shows on television. Combine the effects of DVRs and TiVo and the house of cards is ready to come down.

When HBO  offered the Sopranos and other high quality dramas, their subscriptions were robust. Showtime picked up the ball and ran with it by producing Dexter and Weeds. When HBO went back to old movies and Bill Maher the revenues receded.

Steve Martin, in talking about his early career, explain that he was hired to stand on stage and  perform routine for an empty nightclub. His pay was nominal, and the audience in most cases was smaller still. The club owner wanted anybody that wandered off the street to see “activity”. Having Martin on stage provided the illusion  necessary to have  patrons sit down and be served drinks.

The networks are in the same kind of trap. Going dark, in their minds, is not an option. Providing 168 hours of programming each week is exhausting. It is also expensive. As the quality of shows has declined, the audience has found other venues for their leisure hours.

Video games and the internet provide on-demand entertainment with minimal commercial interruptions. Factor in Netflix and YouTube and traditional television can't compete. Their belief that they need  “a wild and crazy guy” blabbering on stage is  advancing a strategy that leads to bankruptcy.

The tipping point is very close. The uncertainty surrounding a national debt  equal to the annual productivity of our entire economy, nationalized healthcare and bankrupt states and municipalities are fodder for legislators to attempt to increase taxation. If the money goes to taxes instead of employees, the economy will continue to burp instead of digest the creative talent of its citizenry.

In addition to restricting development and creation of new products industry will be heartfelt to continue advertising in a nonproductive medium. Without cash, the networks go the way of the brontosaurus, public libraries, the cotton gin and chastity.

Pay-per-view and subscription programming is the future. Providing the consumer with the option of watching what they want, when they want to watch it, works.

With creative types able to sell their talents directly to the market, the best and brightest will continue to provide multimedia entertainment in a more efficient and elegant marketplace.