A Fairytale, Just Like Pretty Woman

Once upon a time, in a perfect land, inhabited by perfect people, who really, really, really cared lived a man named Johnny. Johnny worked very, very  hard. He had a nice family, and a wonderful life.

To make Johnny's wonderful life even more wonderful, he decided he was going to take his family to Canada. They wanted to see Loverboy received a lifetime achievement award from the Canadian Music Authority.

In order to afford this wonderful trip, Johnny put in for overtime, and took on a second job so he could take his family across the border to the land of back bacon, maple syrup and people who had a difficult time annunciated the word "about."

Every day Johnny would get up and smile. All he could think about was the unmitigated joy associated with seeing one of the premier MTV created  "Hair Bands" receive a prestigious Canadian award.

Johnny had never been to Canada, nor had Johnny ever received  even  a certificate of appreciation from an important cultural  organization. He couldn't wait to see Mike Reno and Paul Dean strut the red carpet. He wanted to be blinded by flashbulbs and wowed by the fabulousness of the pomp and circumstance.

As Johnny was working a second job, a miracle occurred. A brand-new $100 bill was being minted. The special bill was magical. The bill and its small mind knew they would be used to bring incredible happiness to hard-working Johnny.

Finally the big day came, Johnny was going to get paid and was going to go to Canada, to see the single most important cultural of  all time.

The brand-new $100 bill was getting ready to be handed to its first owner. Everything was working out. Nothing could go wrong.

Suddenly without warning or consideration for everything that Johnny wanted to do, the King decided he needed some of John's money to do the things that the King needed to do. So the King came and decided to take the brand-new $100 bill and give Johnny $75 back.

Johnny was shocked. The $100 bill, felt abused and confused… It knew in its heart it was meant to be spent on a Canadian vacation. Instead one quarter of him was taken away.

Johnny looked at the hundred dollar bill and said, “I know we were meant for each other, I know I worked hard for you… But the King would never take money from hard-working people unless he needed it. It's okay I can still get there with just $75.”

The $100 bill looked up and smiled. It said, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” $100 bills usually quote Ben Franklin whenever they're upset.

As Johnny was putting the $75 in his  billfold, the Duke came up to him and in a strange Austrian accent, said something about California or cauliflower needing money to pay for some very important things that the state just couldn't live without. And just like that the $75 became $65. Before Johnny could put the $65 into his wallet the mayor of Berkeley came running up and said he needed six dollars so that the people who work for him could have sex change operations.

Johnny wondered why the mayor of Berkeley would hire people who had such acute issues with their projected gender identity. He wondered why the city of Berkeley couldn't attract better candidates for the positions they offered.

But Johnny understood that someone as important as the mayor of Berkeley, the strange Austrian sounding Duke and the King of the entire country knew better than he did. These people had studied at universities, or been in action films and their knowledge was much greater than his. If they needed his money, he should give it to them. The people of Berkeley who processed transfer payments and inspected rental property needed to feel good about themselves while wearing a dress. And if that could only happen, if they had the appropriate genitalia for their costuming… Johnny was happy to know he helped bring a new level of joy to the  mayor's workers.

Now having only $59, from the c-note he earned, Johnny could not afford to go to Canada. His family would never see Loverboy rock   the award show.

Johnny went home and told his family they were not going. They cried. Johnny said, "Don't worry,  what we wanted to do was stupid. The King, the Duke and the mayor all know much more than we do. They will use that money for good. Not one dime will ever be wasted.”

Johnny went down to the  thrift store and bought four red head bands. He then went across the street to the  to music co-op and bought three kazoos and a set of bongos. That night his family pretended they were Loverboy and played “Turn Me Loose” and "Working For The Weekend” on their new instruments. They had a wonderful time.

The irony that Johnny's efforts were never Turned Loose was lost on him. Nor did it occur to him that he was not Working For The Weekend, he was working to help others use his money.

The End