From five dollars a ticket 83 years ago… Part III

Andre has a red flag, Chiang Ching's is blue
They all have hills to fly them on except for Lin Tai Yu
Dressing up in costumes, playing silly games
Hiding out in tree-tops shouting out rude names
  - Peter Gabriel, Games Without Frontiers


One of the first things you learn as a stockbroker, is that all the people willing to give $1 million for just calling and chatting for a couple of minutes… Don't have $1 million anymore.  


Jed Clampett was goodhearted and innocent.  He had tons of money, and was more than willing to help anyone. He was also a television character played by Buddy Ebsen.


When a weekly protagonist would ask for money, the Clampett clan would spring into gear and attempt to solve the problem through hard work. One of the reasons Jed had a lot of money, is because he never spent.


In Texas, a Beverly Hills Hillbillies solution was introduced to the legislature. One of the representatives authored a bill that would require every illegal citizen, upon coming into contact with law enforcement, be delivered to the home of one of the representatives serving the great state.


To quote Flatt and Scruggs... "Black gold, Texas Tea."


The beauty is in the simplicity, as humor is in brevity. Take the problem to the people most responsible and best able to solve it.


This is one program that should be expanded. To rid ourselves of the bitter divisiveness and rhetoric that is dividing our country, we should apply the "Black gold, Texas tea" concept all our problems.


Require advocates of programs to be responsible for solving them. Let them do the heavy lifting. If the Kennedy family wants the minimum wage to be $16 an hour. So be it. All they have to do is fly a bright orange flag with a number 16 and a dollar sign outside of the family compound.


People making less than $16 an hour could produce their W-2s and one of the Kennedys, tears flowing from their eyes, could offer to make up the difference from the family fortune.


Lisa Edelstein, from the TV show House MD, has become an advocate of abortion rights. All she has to do is fly a large bright green flag from her home or mansion with an AR imprinted on it.   People needing abortions would know that someone that plays a caring administrator at a teaching hospital would gladly pay for it.


When U2 goes on tour,  Bono can not only contribute all the gate receipts to international debt relief, he could also auctioned off his spectacles and/or leather jacket.


Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon who are all generally upset about everything, could just leave large buckets of money at the end of their driveways. One of their staff, would be charged with making sure that the buckets were always full.


If the socially minded philanthropists wanted to claim tax deductions, let them. If they needed more money, go on tour or start a new movie. In the case of the Kennedys, fire up the still and sell moonshine in dark alleys.


People that believed in the causes, would patronize the artistic events of their favorite celebrities. The mainstream belief that advocates new solutions from creative, talented and compassionate people be applied to social ills… Can now be tested.


It is a special obligation that our celebrity class put their money where their class is… Show us all how it should be done, redistribute the wealth in the most direct and obvious way… Do good and do it all day long.

The Answers to Three Questions on Everyone's Lips

Three great ideas to digest over your weekend.

The city of Portland is investing $17 million to create a landscape that will support the city's needs for Asian elephants, on a sustainable basis for generations. Now that that problem has been addressed, our city fathers can begin to repatriate all the socks lost in laundromats from 1965 through 1972.

It is important to know, the sustained Asian elephant herd will be available for public viewing, at least twice a year. When Asian elephants are being sustainable, it's best not to get between an amorous bull and wanton cow. Because of the communal nature of the pachyderms, they will not be sold, bartered or loaned to other elephant fanciers.

If this project fails, one can only hope elephant chops chased like chicken.

The lottery is looking for new ways to generate interest.

 Lottery solution number one…

 A game called “Now You're Obama"

Winners will get the use of the United States mint from 5:01 PM on a Friday until 8:59 AM the following Monday. During this time the lucky lottery player can print as much money as they can. They will have to surrender 39% to the feds in 15% of their local states… But hey does it get any better than that?

 Lottery solution number two…

 A game called “Top-tier Lobbyist"

Winners receive a 100% exemption from all taxation for years three . They will pay no income, capital gains or property tax, as well as, a complete exemption from all fees and assessments.

This exemption is transferable and can be sold to the highest bidder. S&P 100 companies can pay several billion dollars a year in taxation. The proceeds from the winning bid would be taxed. But the payout would be incredible. Consider in 2008 Exxon paid $17 billion in taxes. If they purchased the exemption at a 33% discount to their tax obligation, the lottery winner would take home $6 billion, give half of it to the government can still have enough money to buy a double crispy fire burrito from Taco Bell every day for the rest of his life.

Bonus lottery solution

 A game called “YouTube Gold”

The winner gets to pick one politician to be placed between an amorous bull Asian elephant and either Clay Atkins or a wanton Asian elephant cow. The events would be captured in high definition digital photography and become the sole property of the person with the winning ticket.

If YouTube had an Oscar... this would be it.