The Answers to Three Questions on Everyone's Lips

Three great ideas to digest over your weekend.

The city of Portland is investing $17 million to create a landscape that will support the city's needs for Asian elephants, on a sustainable basis for generations. Now that that problem has been addressed, our city fathers can begin to repatriate all the socks lost in laundromats from 1965 through 1972.

It is important to know, the sustained Asian elephant herd will be available for public viewing, at least twice a year. When Asian elephants are being sustainable, it's best not to get between an amorous bull and wanton cow. Because of the communal nature of the pachyderms, they will not be sold, bartered or loaned to other elephant fanciers.

If this project fails, one can only hope elephant chops chased like chicken.

The lottery is looking for new ways to generate interest.

 Lottery solution number one…

 A game called “Now You're Obama"

Winners will get the use of the United States mint from 5:01 PM on a Friday until 8:59 AM the following Monday. During this time the lucky lottery player can print as much money as they can. They will have to surrender 39% to the feds in 15% of their local states… But hey does it get any better than that?

 Lottery solution number two…

 A game called “Top-tier Lobbyist"

Winners receive a 100% exemption from all taxation for years three . They will pay no income, capital gains or property tax, as well as, a complete exemption from all fees and assessments.

This exemption is transferable and can be sold to the highest bidder. S&P 100 companies can pay several billion dollars a year in taxation. The proceeds from the winning bid would be taxed. But the payout would be incredible. Consider in 2008 Exxon paid $17 billion in taxes. If they purchased the exemption at a 33% discount to their tax obligation, the lottery winner would take home $6 billion, give half of it to the government can still have enough money to buy a double crispy fire burrito from Taco Bell every day for the rest of his life.

Bonus lottery solution

 A game called “YouTube Gold”

The winner gets to pick one politician to be placed between an amorous bull Asian elephant and either Clay Atkins or a wanton Asian elephant cow. The events would be captured in high definition digital photography and become the sole property of the person with the winning ticket.

If YouTube had an Oscar... this would be it.