A Modern-day Parable, Part I

 A long, long time ago,

 I can still remember…

- Don McLean, American Pie

So I did, what had to be done. I was a victim of a series of circumstances that caused the chemicals in my brain to act in a way, that only I could understand. Then again, I'm a stinking artist and I have to express myself.

Let me explain…

On my laundry list of personal pet peeves, control issues trump all other human and social interactions. Next up is a lack of coherent and organized systems and processes. Surprisingly, number three  involves issues or systems and processes that I did not organize, and therefore are stupid.

But enough about me...

For seven years, I went into the same Motor Mocha to order the same thing. The drink came to $2.50 and I tipped a buck and a half. I ordered the same thing, at the same time, everyday. (organized systems and processes need to be repeated ad nauseam)

Every day the staff at Motor Mocha would be so interested in chatting with each other, they would neglect to put the milk out on the condiment bar. Being a problem solver, and a lover of all humanity, I took it upon myself to retrieve milk from the back of the store.

The day turned to night, night turn today, the salmon spawned, the seasons began a new  and I continued my thankless and glamour-less position as a volunteer milkman. Thus proving I am a lover of all humanity.

About Motor Mocha…

Motor Mocha is no more. A direct competitor to Starbucks and provider high-quality coffee and coffee derivative products, they created the finest coffee milkshake ever to travel down a straw.

They also employed malcontents and  overqualified underachievers who were just steps away from being featured on Oprah and Dr. Phil shows. One of my favorite Motor Mocha workers had triple Masters in French literature, poetry and  philosophy from Reed College. He had been a student for 12 years and was making minimum wage. He could've taught disgruntled-ism  to postal employees.

Other employees were emotionally scarred or critically flawed, yet could at least 35% of the time, make correct change and managed to serve coffee.

The Event T-24 hours:

On my way to work, I waited 5 minutes to be let into the store at  6:05 AM,  300 seconds after the posted beginning of  the business day. I went to order my drink, paid and tipped the server.  I was waiting for my drink, the clerk told me that the refrigerator in the back had crapped out. She expanded that the orange juice was going to go bad and asked what she should do.

Being a lover of all humanity, I suggested that she mark the orange juice down to one dollar a serving, make a little sign and try selling it all before it had to be thrown out. In just moments, I had surmised away to keep the food from being destroyed (at a total loss), provided new consumers with an outstanding value, and promoted universal goodwill throughout the cosmos.

The Event T-12 minutes:  

Double, double toil and trouble; 

Fire burn, and caldron bubble.  William Shakespeare, McBeth

The next day I arrived and waited past the posted beginning of the working day to be let into the Motor Mocha. I proceed to the counter and tried to order my drink. The woman that was on the service side of the register; told me “You don't work here."

She was right. I agreed with her and tried to acknowledge as much. I was interrupted and was told “You had no right to tell Mary to sell the orange juice for a dollar.”

I was tempted to explain that  a right is a guarantee against government restriction or interference. For instance the right to free speech guarantees that the government shall not infringe upon the citizens ability to address one another.

I further recognized that the woman was agitated and discussing the finer points of law and vocabulary, might be inappropriate before 6:30 AM.

I re-attempted to order my drink. The woman explained to me, she was the manager and readdressed the correct and mutually agreed-upon fact that I did not work there… At this point she introduced a new concept. She pointed out that I was not to go into the back of the shop to get  milk.

I re-re-attempted to order my drink.   The woman explained to me, she knew what I ordered and she knew who I was. I paid for the drink and tipped the buck and a half. There was another customer, I took a step back and let him conduct his business.

The Event T-180 seconds.

The woman was behind the counter. I was against the windows  that defined the front of the store. 

A bird chirped. (dramatic inference, may not actually happen)

I had been waiting four minutes for my drink. I asked the woman where my drink was. She pointed to an area just outside of my field of view, without speaking.

I collected my drink and walked a few step so I could address her directly.  In a clear and calm speaking voice I said,  "Unfulfilled expectation lead to disappointment There are number way to express disappointment This is how I do it."

The Event:

 

I threw, with great vigor, my drink agains the ceiling behind the counter.  It began to rain steamed milk and coffee the woman told me I had to clean it up. I told her I didn't work there and that would be a good idea to put a towel over the register to keep it from shorting out.  

 

In an obscenity laced diatribe, she explained I was no longer welcome in her store as I was walking out the door.

 

Tomorrow... Part II