From five dollars a ticket 83 years ago… Part I

And just like that, the Academy Awards have come and gone. Long ago I stopped caring, not about humanity and the potential of man, but about award shows in which the jurors did not have to see the objects in order to vote for them.

Last night, I felt more out of the mainstream than usual.   With the quality of movies declining, while the predictability and price is escalating… I just don't go. Moreover, when I do go, the previews are so offensive, it further dissuades attendance.

So imagine mounting ignorance and embarrassment of watching “anonymous celebrities” take home awards for work that was never seen. Then to compound the awkwardness, Jeff Bridges stands on stage and addresses each of the nominees for Best Actress as if they were finalists in the kindergarten finger painting competition. The  authoritarian flavor and obvious sexism, should have caused protests in the aisles.

The trial was a pig circus, they never had a chance.
  -Bob "Spokesman for the Woodstock Generation" Dylan

One of the celebrated the victors arrives at the podium and begins to swear. One of her colleagues, excuses the behavior as “the new hip young Academy Awards show."

It is hard to imagine Grace Kelly or even Sacheen Littlefeather  blurting out profanity as a way of expressing gratitude. Lindsay Lohan is having far too great an effect on the SAG members.  The code of conduct is clearly on the wane.

When members of the Academy for Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences started to mail in their ballots, both literally and figuratively, it signaled the end of the event. Alfred Hitchcock, a moviemaker… when moviemakers were artists, advocated using film as a way to hold a mirror to society. He felt his craft showed who we were; pitted against our darkest desires.  Suspense was a fundamental hope that the superego would triumph over the id.

When a presenter,  takes a “personal moment”,  to twist back and forth on stage to show how her dress moves… It reeks of undisciplined 12-year-old or precocious 3-year-old.

The producers of the show have an obligation to hold the event in high esteem. Failing to vet the presenters and OCSAR jurists assures that the inmates take hold of the asylum. When popularity is more important than craft... all you can discuss is what they're wearing… Isn't that the point of the Academy Awards show these days?

After all the mirror to  society says, “OSCAR is metaphor for Chicagoland politics."

Vacation Update

Random Thoughts...

Leading off, where is the end of the rainbow, where is pot of gold we are all looking for? I have seen the future and it is Denny's. Southern California's playroom, Palm Springs has more Denny's per capita than any place I have ever been. On the main strip you can see one Denny's from the parking lot of the next closest Home of The Grand Slam.

It is not clear if the Denny's are a hold over from the Bob Hope/Frank Sinatra era. After banging starlets, Big Frank loved to go get Liver and Onions, grilled up greasy. You can take the guy out of Jersey, you can't take Jersey out of the guy.

A second thought centers around a series of late night informercials on "The Up Coming Boom In Mediocre Food Offered 24/7/365" Don't answer yet, we will throw in a second Denny's at no extra cost... plus order now and say "I like serving drunks after the bars close" and we will throw in a DQ too.

There maybe some hidden aspect of Gay Culture that mandates a proliferation diners. Why is still not clear. Some experts think it is just away to use Gay Culture and madate in the same sentence.

Next up Smoke Shops or as they are called on Planet 60s "Head Shops." I counted 14 of them just driving around today. This is a big number, even for Berkeley in the 1970's.

In an age of Medical Port Smokers, are Smoke Shops not only selling penis shaped bongs, but the weed to boot? Film at 11.

The Models/Weather reporters all concern about the cold temps. It may get as low as 59 on Satureday. The good news is Sodium Chloride (Think... what does a model need to read weather reports and look interesting at the same time) doesn't freeze until -4 degrees C. So it is unlikely there will be a run on heated bras.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say

Typos, I've had a lot,
 but then like snot,
 they're just wiped away.
   -  modified version of "My Way"

In an attempt to promote customer service and a mole elevating moment… I'd like to respond to the poorly edited critique on yesterday's posting.

My lack of self-awareness and middle-class values boldly predicted the outrage at the GRAMMY Awards.

http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/02/20/music-exec-slams-grammys-for-snubbing-justin-bieber-eminem/

http://postconventionalwisdom.blogspot.com/2011/01/winners-maybe-not-so-lucky.html


I'm glad that you don't think I'm funny, because being an Original Gangster Hard-Core Death Rapper,  I don't have time for humor. I'm too busy being kept down by the man, avoiding the cap that has a date with my rump and busting serious rhymes about exoskeleton life forms and yogurt.

My overall regret in offending you is deep. I just wish you had signed your name and left contact information. I would like nothing more than to enjoy your company over a Grand Slam Breakfast at the Denny's of your choice.

Denny's deserves a second chance, after the racial problem they encountered in North Carolina.  Although I don't eat breakfast, I would enjoy nothing more than watching you eat eggs and hold toast opposite your fork.

Because Denny's serves the Grand Slam Breakfast  24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year… I'm sure if we could find a way to absolve our mutual guilt and find common ground, We can make the world a better place.

Once we had made the world better place, we could celebrate by drinking a Coca-Cola together.

In a reflective and self-aware way, I now recognize that both of these attempts at a summit, involve multinational corporations. This may be troubling to you. I will attempt to audit their books to make sure neither Denny's nor Coca-Cola is owned by the man.

In awkward moments, like this, I just wish the Beatles and written more songs about social dysfunction. Perhaps, in this time of trouble, I should listen to Mother Mary, as she comforts me. Hey Jude, I don't remember the rest of the song… Is there a point here?

A Modern Day Parable Part III

Quinn Martin had a remarkable career, over 21 straight years of having at least one television show in production covering three decades.  Often featuring Ford products, The Fugitive, 12 O'clock High, The  FBI, The Invaders, The Streets of San Francisco, Barnaby Jones and my personal favorite Cannon all featured epilogues and prologues.

Not that the plots were so overly complex that no one could figure out what was going on, Mr. Martin fancied himself a man of the theater, more than just a guy making a lot of cop shows.

Epilogue:    (May Quinn Martin smile down on us from heaven)

Production versus expression is about to come to a head.

Back when work was about production and providing a useful service, compensation was obvious. The more unique and necessary your skill, the more you made.

When work became an extension of expression, rules and regulations served a new master. The axiom  “form follows function” was shelved. Two or more bureaucrats, left to their own devices, were allowed to create new standards, and new policies to “correct” problems.

The new policies, standards and directives all needed new staff to license, inspect and enforce the new edicts. Productivity was sacrificed because Form 526(R) was not filed before the quarterly deadline. Because of this failure, Schedule 12000-250 was never initiated, as a result the Bureau has no record of you ever having requested the permit.  Of course the good news is  by providing notarized copies of your application filing form, your tax returns for the last three years, your voter identify card and deed to your property, we can initiate a DR-45/6609(s) which will allow you to reapply for the correct permit,  please pay at the window.

The bureaucracy exists to create regulations and regulations exist to support and justify the bureaucracy.

In time when all 50 states had money to burn, they acted like Charlie Sheen and dabbled with stimulants and hookers. When they ran out of money, they borrowed. When they ran out of borrowed money, they borrowed more.

With each dollar, each borrowed dollar and each borrowed dollar, after the original borrowed dollar had been spent came a new and wonderful statement of expression.

1% of the cost of all government construction would go to art.

Mandatory raises were tied to inflation and increases in the minimum wage.

Municipal governments reached the point where they would go to the mat to ensure all covered employees would be entitled to sexual reassignment surgeries.

In Wisconsin the average total compensation package of state workers is 20% higher than the people they serve. If the work they did was on par with scientists studying nanotechnology or providing breakthroughs in composite materials…   God love them, they earned every dime.

But if their unique skill is complying with the rules they invented, that's not that unique skill. If their unique skill is advancing a political agenda at the cost of complicating the lives of citizens, that's not a skill, it is an annoyance.

When the people of Egypt riot because they are hungry and the make less than $3,000 a year, is cause for revolution. When state workers riot because their complete compensation package is “stuck” at $80,000 a year, it is also cause for revolution.

Without political correctness,  50% of what government does would be described as the unnatural union between sus scrofa and mongoloid, or at the very least the excrement created by diuretic chicken.

With political correctness,  the same assessment is both accurate and heartfelt… The difference is we choose to express our frustration as opposed to working on a solution that reestablishes the correct and natural order between the governed and the government.

Now is the time to express our work.

A Modern Day Parable Part II

You load sixteen tons, what do you get
Another day older and deeper in debt.
  Merle Travis, 16 Tons


So the grasshopper said, in the most dignified voice, using the most proper English he had learned from a University, "I don't know if I could selflessly commit myself to the unending monotony of scurrying back and forth carrying bits of food 1,000 times my own weight."


The lady grasshopper, who looked fabulous, was amused. Her family had started a chain of hotels years ago. Because she was so fabulously well-to-do, work took on a new meaning to her. She perceived her role in the universe to be part vixen in part cultural icon. She looked at the sculpted hind legs of the grasshopper next to her and could only imagine how wonderful he must be in an act of freeform procreation. To express her willingness to go skanky, she said “I love work, I can watch it all day." And then rubbed her legs together like a common cricket.


But enough about anthropomorphic insects…


For generations on generations on generations;  and generations before that survival was based on production. You were defined by your work, the quality of your work, the amount of work you did  and the progress you made as a direct result of your work.


If you didn't work, you didn't eat. The tears of starving children and the lack of color in your wife's cheek; drove many a man into the freezing predawn darkness.


Produce or perish.


80 years ago it was easier to talk about what you had than what you were missing. The litany of things gone without, could fill a library. The treasures in a family, were the health of the children and a few precious heirlooms.


If children had ribbons in their hair, dad was doing alright.   You displayed your achievements by providing your children with things you only dreamed of having.


You felt lucky to have a job, to make something, to support your family, to share in the active improvement of the community.


If you wanted more, you worked harder.


80 years ago, the customer was King. The way you treated the patrons of your business, reflected upon your business, and your place in the community. “Thank you” was a truncated form of “Without your business, my family and I would starve, I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to serve you, I can barely contain myself.”


We will now observe a brief timeout for the people over 50 to wipe a tear from their eye as they think about their saintly grandparents. At the same time the people under 40 can attempt to stop shaking their heads at the obvious maudlin  display of a reality unknown to their generation.


And now a thought from Joni Mitchell:


Well maybe it's the time of year,
or maybe it's the time of man.
I don't know who I am,
but you know life is for learning.
   - Woodstock


Over the last 40 years United States of America has changed. Where once society valued production, thrift and accomplishment; the new vanguard is expression.


What you feel is much more important than what you know. What you do is not nearly as important as what you think about it. An equal respect is awarded to all endeavors, whether they are successful or abysmal failures.


Life's journey is pursued without a map, mileposts, stated destination or itinerary. After all, life is for learning… But you know that.


Meanwhile back in Bugville...


Joseph Smith told the Mormons to pray. Suddenly from the  West the skies grew dark, as if the dusk was moving to meet the midday sun. The faithful looked up and saw an ever darkening cloud of gulls diving from the sky to consume the locusts.


They wept, God had respected their work, they would be saved and they would be thankful.


Later that night, along the banks of the Great Salt Lake, a young seagull remarked to his friend, “Earlier today I ate the most attractive grasshopper, I think it was getting it's freak on with a well sculpted and highly educated katydid."


Tomorrow...  Part III




















  

A Modern-day Parable, Part I

 A long, long time ago,

 I can still remember…

- Don McLean, American Pie

So I did, what had to be done. I was a victim of a series of circumstances that caused the chemicals in my brain to act in a way, that only I could understand. Then again, I'm a stinking artist and I have to express myself.

Let me explain…

On my laundry list of personal pet peeves, control issues trump all other human and social interactions. Next up is a lack of coherent and organized systems and processes. Surprisingly, number three  involves issues or systems and processes that I did not organize, and therefore are stupid.

But enough about me...

For seven years, I went into the same Motor Mocha to order the same thing. The drink came to $2.50 and I tipped a buck and a half. I ordered the same thing, at the same time, everyday. (organized systems and processes need to be repeated ad nauseam)

Every day the staff at Motor Mocha would be so interested in chatting with each other, they would neglect to put the milk out on the condiment bar. Being a problem solver, and a lover of all humanity, I took it upon myself to retrieve milk from the back of the store.

The day turned to night, night turn today, the salmon spawned, the seasons began a new  and I continued my thankless and glamour-less position as a volunteer milkman. Thus proving I am a lover of all humanity.

About Motor Mocha…

Motor Mocha is no more. A direct competitor to Starbucks and provider high-quality coffee and coffee derivative products, they created the finest coffee milkshake ever to travel down a straw.

They also employed malcontents and  overqualified underachievers who were just steps away from being featured on Oprah and Dr. Phil shows. One of my favorite Motor Mocha workers had triple Masters in French literature, poetry and  philosophy from Reed College. He had been a student for 12 years and was making minimum wage. He could've taught disgruntled-ism  to postal employees.

Other employees were emotionally scarred or critically flawed, yet could at least 35% of the time, make correct change and managed to serve coffee.

The Event T-24 hours:

On my way to work, I waited 5 minutes to be let into the store at  6:05 AM,  300 seconds after the posted beginning of  the business day. I went to order my drink, paid and tipped the server.  I was waiting for my drink, the clerk told me that the refrigerator in the back had crapped out. She expanded that the orange juice was going to go bad and asked what she should do.

Being a lover of all humanity, I suggested that she mark the orange juice down to one dollar a serving, make a little sign and try selling it all before it had to be thrown out. In just moments, I had surmised away to keep the food from being destroyed (at a total loss), provided new consumers with an outstanding value, and promoted universal goodwill throughout the cosmos.

The Event T-12 minutes:  

Double, double toil and trouble; 

Fire burn, and caldron bubble.  William Shakespeare, McBeth

The next day I arrived and waited past the posted beginning of the working day to be let into the Motor Mocha. I proceed to the counter and tried to order my drink. The woman that was on the service side of the register; told me “You don't work here."

She was right. I agreed with her and tried to acknowledge as much. I was interrupted and was told “You had no right to tell Mary to sell the orange juice for a dollar.”

I was tempted to explain that  a right is a guarantee against government restriction or interference. For instance the right to free speech guarantees that the government shall not infringe upon the citizens ability to address one another.

I further recognized that the woman was agitated and discussing the finer points of law and vocabulary, might be inappropriate before 6:30 AM.

I re-attempted to order my drink. The woman explained to me, she was the manager and readdressed the correct and mutually agreed-upon fact that I did not work there… At this point she introduced a new concept. She pointed out that I was not to go into the back of the shop to get  milk.

I re-re-attempted to order my drink.   The woman explained to me, she knew what I ordered and she knew who I was. I paid for the drink and tipped the buck and a half. There was another customer, I took a step back and let him conduct his business.

The Event T-180 seconds.

The woman was behind the counter. I was against the windows  that defined the front of the store. 

A bird chirped. (dramatic inference, may not actually happen)

I had been waiting four minutes for my drink. I asked the woman where my drink was. She pointed to an area just outside of my field of view, without speaking.

I collected my drink and walked a few step so I could address her directly.  In a clear and calm speaking voice I said,  "Unfulfilled expectation lead to disappointment There are number way to express disappointment This is how I do it."

The Event:

 

I threw, with great vigor, my drink agains the ceiling behind the counter.  It began to rain steamed milk and coffee the woman told me I had to clean it up. I told her I didn't work there and that would be a good idea to put a towel over the register to keep it from shorting out.  

 

In an obscenity laced diatribe, she explained I was no longer welcome in her store as I was walking out the door.

 

Tomorrow... Part II

  

Birds are not free, they are chained to the sky or if Bob Dylan would've had television time he would've said " there is nothing on"

When Dwight D. Eisenhower instituted the interstate freeway program, it set in motion a 20 year cycle of growth. The automobile transformed the way we lived and moved. Once the transportation issue was mitigated, people could live away from congested cities and goods could efficiently removed beyond railway hubs.

Television has all the tools in place for a similar evolution. With more efficient and simpler to use recording devices, when shows  are broadcast is no longer an issue.

With the plethora of  cable channels either rerunning Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the neo-goth Gilligan's Island of its day, or awaiting the time when they can unleash a tsunami of CSI shows into syndication… A breath of fresh air is more than needed.

The answer  is to revisit “Roots” and the "Thorn Birds". At one point miniseries dominated television.… And like bunt cakes they can return again to rule the roost.

Limit the length to 12 hours.  Produce 3 to 6  120 minute shows and distribute them even during marathon form as reruns or weekly/daily drips.  If you miss one, TiVo and watch it when you want.

If it is remotely interesting, six hours leaves people wanting more… And if it's boring after a couple hours… Prepare the remote for hyper clicking.

Computer-generated imaging has come down in price, so the production costs are reasonable.  Any number of novels or biographical stories that are too big for a movie and two small to be dragged out into serious form. YouTube proves there are enough creative people to storm the studio walls and have our own Egyptian moment.

Let the production companies buy the time premieres, so the network is indemnified against risk. For reruns, the network can either lease or by the episodes from the production company. The public broadcasting model, of limited corporate sponsorship could be applied to this format. Commercial time could be available on informational shows between series.

Television needs to adapt to the technology that is available today. It is not 1958,  the consumer is not limited to three or four channels. Quality works every time it is tried. There are answers beyond brooding teenagers lamenting the fact they have to kill demons, when their attention should be focused on toppings and zits.

Rainy Days and Tuesdays.... We have good news, we have bad news.

At first thought this looked like one of the days that was going to lead to uninspired drudgery. The middle of February, in the Pacific Northwest... dawn looks like 5:15 PM. You live inside of the can of battleship grey paint, waiting for the brush of life to apply you to a smooth and treated surface, lovingly.

In Anchorage Alaska, at Nordstrom's,  is a steel belted radial tire that somebody returned. Nordstrom's, famous for their return policy accepted the tire and issued the person credit. Nordstrom's does not sell tires. The guy that took the exchange was promoted to store manager.

In his honor here's a quick look at the news you can use…

The City of Portland, in an attempt to control the "sinister forces" that manipulate hygiene products… Is going to outlaw colognes, perfumes and anti-perspirants on city workers, while they work in city offices.

Best case scenario: The City of Port and workers subscribe to Guns and Ammo, while waiting for a chance to go postal on the first  August day the air conditioner craps out.

Worst-case scenario: The On the Verge of Stink  campaign is expanded to public transportation.

First Nutritionist and wife of the greatest spender in the history of the world, is out promoting breast-feeding. The administration wants the IRS to provide tax credits and/or deductions for mothers that nurse. It is hard to express the gratitude that we all feel knowing that the "sinister forces" controlling big formula, like Similac are finally going to be brought to their knees. How could billionaires want tax breaks when they should go to the flower of humanity, mother and child?

Best case scenario: The tax credit is expanded to the husbands  of nursing moms.

Worst-case scenario:  Deduction will be proven to be discriminatory. Gay couples that adopt children, would not be able to provide lactating mammary glands.

Pres. Clinton is working as a casting consultant for a new opera based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. The London-based production company felt the former president would provide a unique perspective on the necessary sensual, innocence and naïveté needed to bring Anna Nicole's part to life. The 42nd President has said he plans to use "sinister forces" to bring each of the actresses to their knees throughout the working auditions.

Best case scenario: None of it is true

Worst-case scenario: Part of it is true

Whispers in the dark and things that go bump in the night

February 14 means Valentine's Day, or the initial scene from Some Like It Hot. On the day that commemorates a brutal shootout in Chicago and the celebration of love, expressed via Hallmark cards, flowers and chocolate, it is important to have measured expectations and a realistic baseline.

In the misunderstood oversized belt buckled adaptation of Saturday Night Fever, Johnny Lee sings about “looking for love in all the wrong places.” The problem is looking for love, when you should be open to feeling love.

From the first moments you are held and kissed by your parents, our   heart attempts to teach our mind what we need to feel loved. Over the next decade and a half  the consequences of life wrestle with the ideal of perfect love.

Just before any understanding could be reached, hormones run rampant and sexual desire trumps everything you know to be true. Emotional truth is defenseless against a cute smile, soulful eyes, a tight butt and cleavage. Much the way that puffing on a Marlboro is a substitute for maturity, with an acknowledgment Elvis Costello, “There are some things you can't cover up with lipstick and powder.”

Despite going hungry at the buffet of lust, the heart continues to beat, ever hopeful to be heard, recognized and touched ever so sweetly. Unable to speak in a sea of emotion, lost on a tide in search of a notion; lub-dub...lub-dub... lub-dub beats your heart and with smiles and tears, in longing through the years… It wants, it needs, it feels for that perfect time to be touched and love again.

From the pure love of God, to the magical love of a mother,  we search to find the perfect silence, in the presence of another that allows love to wash away the ashes of the past.

True love promotes sacrifice, compassion, joy and recognition of all that we are… and all that we are not. True love creates families that can instill the traditions and purpose of love in others. 

Lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub,  listen to your heart, speak only with your eyes and smiles. From the time we were born, we were more than conversant in the foundations of emotional truth.

Lub-dub...lub-dub...lub-dub,  listen to your true love's heart. It should sound a lot like yours. 

Is "Drive Angry" a Nicholas Cage movie or a line from Groundhogs Day?

When you think of Nicholas Cage, what comes to mind. He is been acting from 1981 to date and according to IMDB has appeared in 66 different movies.

Starting with fast times at Ridgemont High, Valley Girl, Birdy,  Peggy Sue Got Married, Raising Arizona and Moonstruck did look like his career was destined for greatness. It was almost as if, he didn't need to be related to Francis Ford Coppola to be successful.

He did small films for a while, to prove he was artistic, then performed a his best work to date in the incredibly depressing and accurate Leaving Las Vegas,  in 1995. Four years later he worked with Tony Soprano and Joaquin Phoenix in a very creepy 8mm.   Thus concluded the interesting part of his career.

He tried tying his name to a franchise “National Treasure" which lasted for two films. In 2012 is attempting to re-franchise himself with Ghost Rider II.   Ghost Rider is Xoxian  Indian  for  released straight to video.

Is Nicholas Cage's problem a lack of quality scripts? The answer is, no; a lack of quality scripts is all of Hollywood's problem.

Is Nicholas Cage's problem having poor representation and the worst decision-making ever? The answer  is, no; these problems dog everyone in sports and entertainment.

In fact, Nicholas Cage is a metaphor for the FDA. There are more FDA agents and there are farmers and doctors combined. As a result, there is more than 1 to 1 supervision of all people that produce food and prescribe medicine for the people in this country.

Despite having overwhelming force and a really cool name, (FDA should have been a power trio in the early1970s, kind of  vacuum filler after the Beatles broke up) this seemingly important agency has allowed  children to become obese.

The FDA has been so derelict in their duties that important family members of formerly popular people, like Michelle Obama and Michael Bloomberg have had to declare a war on salt and sugar.

If the agency had testicular fortitude, they would wail and moan and demand these modern-day superheroes of health to shut up and go back to doing the important work they were previously… Okay bad example; They weren't one doing anything… These superheroes should go on vacation, read the New York Times and attend openings... the exhausting things celebrities used to fill their day timers and provide excuses to shop.

In the meantime, Nicholas Cage and Johnny Depp should team up and make the ultimate independent/destined for obscurity art flick.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000115/#Actor

The Answers to Three Questions on Everyone's Lips

Three great ideas to digest over your weekend.

The city of Portland is investing $17 million to create a landscape that will support the city's needs for Asian elephants, on a sustainable basis for generations. Now that that problem has been addressed, our city fathers can begin to repatriate all the socks lost in laundromats from 1965 through 1972.

It is important to know, the sustained Asian elephant herd will be available for public viewing, at least twice a year. When Asian elephants are being sustainable, it's best not to get between an amorous bull and wanton cow. Because of the communal nature of the pachyderms, they will not be sold, bartered or loaned to other elephant fanciers.

If this project fails, one can only hope elephant chops chased like chicken.

The lottery is looking for new ways to generate interest.

 Lottery solution number one…

 A game called “Now You're Obama"

Winners will get the use of the United States mint from 5:01 PM on a Friday until 8:59 AM the following Monday. During this time the lucky lottery player can print as much money as they can. They will have to surrender 39% to the feds in 15% of their local states… But hey does it get any better than that?

 Lottery solution number two…

 A game called “Top-tier Lobbyist"

Winners receive a 100% exemption from all taxation for years three . They will pay no income, capital gains or property tax, as well as, a complete exemption from all fees and assessments.

This exemption is transferable and can be sold to the highest bidder. S&P 100 companies can pay several billion dollars a year in taxation. The proceeds from the winning bid would be taxed. But the payout would be incredible. Consider in 2008 Exxon paid $17 billion in taxes. If they purchased the exemption at a 33% discount to their tax obligation, the lottery winner would take home $6 billion, give half of it to the government can still have enough money to buy a double crispy fire burrito from Taco Bell every day for the rest of his life.

Bonus lottery solution

 A game called “YouTube Gold”

The winner gets to pick one politician to be placed between an amorous bull Asian elephant and either Clay Atkins or a wanton Asian elephant cow. The events would be captured in high definition digital photography and become the sole property of the person with the winning ticket.

If YouTube had an Oscar... this would be it.

It's like a giant flea market, only better… Cash buyers welcome!

How do you solve a problem like Mubarak?
What do you do if Egypt lets him go?
There's got to be away, that he can save the day,
 we can't let over $45 billion getaway.
- extracted from “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria”

 If they give you lemons, make lemonade.

If for some reason a neo-socialistic dictator needs a new home, there's always South America or Africa… But these days, why not think about the United States of America.

Mubarak has an estimated net worth of over $45 billion. He has executive experience, can run the government on less money than he receives and a dynamic speaking voice. In short he's exactly what we need to help several of the States regain fiscal integrity.

He believes in nepotism, so California would accept him. He isn't scared to rig elections, so he'd fit right in with Washingtonians. He refuses to answer questions about his girlfriends, so it's a natural in Oregon. Idaho is, more or less, shaped like pyramid. Utah would love to get back to their roots of polygamy. Arizona is a desert.

With his personal fortune he could take over all of the states west of Nebraska.  The border problem, no problem for Mubarak! He was able to keep the people from Gaza, in Gaza.

By introducing his own brand of multiculturalism, there could be a series of exciting new Sphinx like exhibits all across the western states. If we limited construction techniques to Moses era implements, jobs aplenty.

Coming from the Middle East, M (the friendly way to say Mubarak) likely is very jealous of the countries that have oil. Within three months, Mubarakstan could join OPEC. To make sure Kansas and Iowa were cowed, he couild also develop peaceful nuclear reactors like North Korea and Iran.

Plus being a socialist, no one would ever criticize him. Those that did, would be offered a chance to apologize… In order to keep their families from being tortured before they were killed.

You got to break some eggs, if you want to make an omelette.

Bottom line, we have a once-in-a-lifetime, multicultural dictator, looking for a job. We have an entire region of our country looking for cash. Obviously, Austrians can't do it. Maybe it's time we tried to Walk Like an Egyptian.

If you were Mubarak, which states would you buy first?

FY12 Projected Shortfall	Shortfall as Percent of FY11 Budget
Arizona	$974 million	11.5%
California*	$25.4 billion	29.3%
Colorado	$988 million	13.8%
Connecticut	$3.7 billion	20.8%
District of Columbia	DK	na
Florida	$3.6 billion	14.9%
Georgia	$1.7 billion	10.3%
Hawaii	$410 million	8.2%
Idaho	$300 million	12.6%
Illinois	$15.0 billion	44.9%
Indiana	$270 million	2.0%
Iowa	$294 million	5.6%
Kansas	$492 million	8.8%
Kentucky*	$780 million	9.1%
Louisiana	$1.7 billion	22.0%
Maine	$436 million	16.1%
Maryland	$1.6 billion	12.2%
Massachusetts	$1.8 billion	5.7%
Michigan	$1.8 billion	8.6%
Minnesota	$3.9 billion	24.5%
Mississippi	$634 million	14.1%
Missouri	$1.1 billion	14.4%
Montana	$80 million	4.3%
Nebraska	$314 million	9.2%
Nevada	$1.5 billion	45.2%
New Hampshire	DK	na
New Jersey	$10.5 billion	37.4%
New Mexico	$410 million	7.6%
New York	$9.0 billion	16.9%
North Carolina	$3.8 billion	20.0%
Ohio	$3.0 billion	11.0%
Oklahoma	$600 million	11.3%
Oregon*	$1.8 billion	25.0%
Pennsylvania	$4.5 billion	17.8%
Rhode Island	$290 million	9.9%
South Carolina	$877 million	17.4%
South Dakota	$127 million	10.9%
Tennessee	DK	Na
Texas	$13.4 billion	31.5%
Utah	$437 million	9.2%
Vermont	$150 million	13.9%
Virginia*	$2.3 billion	14.8%
Washington	$2.9 billion	18.5%
West Virginia	$155 million	4.1%
Wisconsin	$1.8 billion	12.8%
States Total	$124.7 billion	20.0%